While sometimes I think I hear the voice of God so clearly,
I understand that some of you reading this think I am crazy. As I explained
that I thought God is calling me back to Thailand in December to be a leader
over APSAI to some family members of mine (whom I have a lot of respect for) –
they expressed some realistic concern. What about your car, your cell phone
bill, your insurance, your student loans, your house in Springfield that you
have until at least May that is completely furnished with my parents furniture?
And most of all, what about your teaching career? Interviews happen in the
beginning of the spring semester (when I would be gone) and rarely do
interviews happen in the summer.
Obviously, I had thought about a lot of this before, but I
still had no answers. So after my conversation with them, I was very
discouraged. I can honestly say, since the day I gave my life to Christ in 8th
grade, I have never doubted Him or His plan for my life as much as I did after
that conversation. I have second-guessed some of the things God has called me
to do before, but until last night, I never thought ‘maybe I am crazy and just
making this all up in my head…maybe God isn’t calling me to missions…maybe God
doesn’t care if I do ministry in Thailand or in the US, as long as I am still
serving Him and sharing His love and forgiveness with others…does God care
about every single detail of our lives or does He just care about an overall
picture…’
Something else they asked me is, ‘why can’t you just find
ministry to do here in the states? There are lots of people that need to know
Jesus. [Get a teaching job and be the sponsor for FCA or something.]’ And yes,
they are absolutely right, there are a lot of people that think they know
Jesus, but have never truly discovered His fullness of grace, mercy, and power.
But, as I continue to think about all the people that need to hear the Gospel,
I also think of all the people that need to hear the Gospel FOR THE FIRSTIME in
Thailand. When it comes to Thailand, Matt 9:35-38 couldn’t be more true:
Jesus went through all the towns
and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the
kingdom and healing every disease and sickness. When he saw the crowds, he had
compassion on them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without
a shepherd. Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the
workers are few. Ask the Lord of the Harvest, therefore, to send out workers
into his harvest field.”
I will tell you, just as I told them, ‘If I could pick my
dream life, this wouldn’t be it. Living in another country, thousands of miles
away from everyone I love, where I can’t have a normal English conversation,
missing out on weddings of close friends, family events, and holidays. But I
know without a doubt that God has placed me here for a reason. And for some
weird reason, I fit in really well and love it here!’ And that I must hold on
to. But again, that is where doubt has suddenly started creeping in big time!
Could I be just as affective some where in Springfield or Omaha teaching and
ministering to middle school or high school students? Would God be disappointed
if I decided not to come back to Thailand for APSAI and instead pursued
teaching, what I felt called to do prior to Thailand? Would God even open doors
for me teach or sub? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions, but I
pray that I can start hearing GODS voice clearly, and not my own or anyone
else’s. While it is difficult for me to accept this, I must start living my
life for myself and not trying to please others – I am 22 and graduated from
college. “Anyone who loves his [family] more than me is not worthy of me…and
anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever
finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find
it” (Matt 10:37-38).
1 Corinthians 1:18-30
For the message of the cross if
foolishness to those who are [of the world], but to us who are being saved it
is the power of God. Has God not made foolish the wisdom of the world? (In
otherwords, the things of this world are foolish to God and the things of God
are foolish to the world.) For since in the wisdom of God the world through its
wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was
preached to save those who believe. [The world] demands miraculous signs
and looks for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to
[those who don’t understand or believe]…For the foolishness of God is wiser
than man’s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man’s strength. Not
many of you, who were called, were wise by human standards; not many were
influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of
the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame
the strong. He chose the lowly things of the world and the despised things –
and the things that are not – to nullify the things that are, so that no one
may boast before him. It is because of Him that you are in Christ Jesus, who
has become for us wisdom from God – that is, our righteousness, holiness and
redemption. Therefore, Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord.
So, after reading that I realized that when God calls me to
do something, it is going to seem foolish to many. That is not easy for me to
accept – I don’t like to seem foolish. I want to be wise, but as a follower of
Christ I must accept that it is my duty to do what God thinks is wise and not
worry about what the world thinks is wise. Again, going back to humility, I must
get rid of my pride in this life and accept that His ways are higher and will
not always be popular. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with
God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all
things were made” (John 1:1-3); here, John presents Jesus as ‘the Word’. The
commentary on this passage states this: God’s written Word declares that Jesus
Christ is God’s wisdom for us in every way, helping us to understand,
demonstrate and accomplish God’s purposes.
So now, I must ask myself – will I be accomplishing God’s
purpose if I stay in the US or must I come to Thailand to do so? I suppose, in
time, I will discover what I am supposed to do…even if that means looking
foolish to those I care about the most.
